Sometmes, oftenly, people just suck.

You know who sucks--and y'all best all go ahead and get ready to lace up your black combat boots so you can look cooler when you're gasping and hugging yourself tightly in your Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie all alone in your apartments that are chocked full of bullshit memorabilia and a shelf of your DVD collection just for his movies--

TIM BURTON।

Let me clarify, Tim Burton post-Helena Bonham Carter sucks. Big Fish was his like "good bye mediocre to decent cinematic vision and hello douchedom" film. It's basically a guy with more ideas and big stories than anyone who ever lived literally DYING to tell them। And everybody comes out to say "good bye" and "happy swims" and what a great time we all had because Corpse Bride and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Sweeney Todd (Vom all over the god damn key signature assholes) SUCKED.

I walked out of them in theaters and I was the PROJECTIONIST. I was watching for FREE.

And I didn't even bother with Alice in Wonderland. If I wasn't already fed up with him, this would have been the nail in the coffin. Seriously, for just a minute consider the audacity of that SOB to go around believing it's his god damn duty to film history to remake every eccentric fantastical imaginative journey into 35 mm that was already PERFECT.

Asshat.

I really think that the way Tim Burton makes a meeting is by having his people turn on the big light in LA or London (or wherever it is that he and Helena Bonham Carter are currently and consistently penning their abominations) that summons all the douchey Tim Burton crews and Johnny Depp (whom I used to think had talent and taste but now consider to be possessed of the same burning ego driven desire as Burton to publicly play the weirdo--albeit, Depp strives for the "sexy" freakshow--and bang foreign chicks while struggling film after film to top his last shit storm) to the offices of whatever assholes are paying for these things nowadays to discuss Burton's latest "vision."

And when they're all there, he sends in a proxy to make the following inspiring speech:

"Okay guys, so we've become aware of this [script or story or book or classic film] that could be manufactured as a movie that fits exactly what Mr. Burton believes the world expects from him as a cinematic genius. So basically we want you guys to get together with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter and make this picture as though you were a bunch of amateurs who have seen Edward Scissorhands way too many times. Oh you haven't seen it? That's cool, just google image search for it, and you should be good to go. Alright, any questions? Great, Mr. Burton sends his regards and ah, alright, we'll see you at the wrap party."

And I thought I really and truly hated him for touching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory like he thinks he could ever have a chance in hell of matching the talent contained in Gene Wilder's 78-year old ear wax much less of doing an acceptable adaptation of any of the literary marvels of Roald Dahl. Does he do any research before shooting or is he just THAT arrogant and severely afflicted by hubris???

ROALD DAHL REFUSED TO FINISH HIS ADAPTATION OF CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY AND WAS FORCED UNDER CONTRACT TO HAND IT OVER TO DAVID SELTZER WHO BUTCHERED IT. DAHL WAS SO OUTRAGED BY THE FINAL SCRIPT AND ITS COMMERCIALIZED EMPHASIS ON WILLY WONKA OVER THE TRUE HERO AND INTENDED PROTAGONIST OF CHARLIE THAT HE DISOWNED THE FILM AND DECREED NO OTHER ADAPTATION WOULD BE MADE IN HIS LIFETIME OR FOR AS LONG AS HE COULD POSSIBLY PREVENT IT.

And what does Tim Burton do in homage to a legitimate artist? He rapes a classic young adult novel and then spits in Gene Wilder's wild, blue eyes and unmatchable stage presence while torching every subtlety of the art and craft of film making imaginable and demonstrating an unearned irreverence for the literature that allegedly inspires him. Seriously, it's like he was just huffing set paint all through film school. What a dick.

If I'd known what to expect from this "visionary," I don't think I would've convinced Annie it was a good idea to break into his garage. Unless of course, we were going to leave a different note than we did. We should have spray painted on his garage door. "That's enough, Tim Burton. Seriously. Stop."

I'm glad I'm not allowed on or near his property and he should be too. I'd just pee all over it and I'd be right.

Postscript:

OH, and BTW, Tim Burton didn't DIRECT the Nightmare Before Christmas. He PRODUCED it, which means he had somehow even LESS to do with its vision than he does on the films he puts his names on now. This is why Coraline was AH-mazing--because being a film by the "director of the Nightmare Before Christmas" is a far more acceptable accreditation even if it is nameless.